TW: Car Accident
A few months ago, my great-grandma got into a mild car accident that left her with a slight fracture in her collarbone.
It wasn’t her fault. She stopped at a four-way stop and once clear, proceeded to drive forward. That’s when another car ran through their stop sign hit the hood of her car. The car was just a few inches away from t-boning her.
“It wasn’t her fault.”
After a routine visit to the hospital, she was given a shoulder sling to wear in order to heal the fracture properly. The doctor gave her standard instructions: Wear the sling all day, only taking it off when showering. Don’t lift anything heavy. Don’t use that arm. Rest.
Rest.
Now of course she did not do any of that. When my grandma first called me to tell me the news, I knew it would quickly be followed by protests. Protests of how my Momo (that’s what we call my great-grandma) was still trying to drive, cook, clean, and whatever else would be the opposite of resting.
Even though she had every reason, every need, to pause and allow her body to heal.
I too began to complain. As if she was on the phone with me, I scolded her. Telling her she better rest or else she’ll make things worse and asking “what’s the rush?” Why can’t she just rest until it’s healed? I continued to vehemently express my annoyance until a thought I couldn’t have mistaken for my own, moved quickly across my mind: “That’s what you’re doing.”
Physical wounds and emotional, mental wounds should be treated no differently. The same patience, grace, and care given to heal physical ailments should be given for the ailments of the soul.
That’s what I’m doing?
That’s what I’m doing.
I had spent the last several weeks inundated with an excess of sadness over my, what I felt was, lack of mental and emotional progress. After spending some time trying to heal my inner child and break away from old thought patterns that had began to plague my quality of life, I was still meeting the same triggers and feelings with great intensity.
I mean it had been a few months at this point and surely, I only needed a few months to unpack 12 years of harm?
Because, I had been doing everything right to heal.
Consistently going to therapy, journaling, crying-sometimes non-stop for days, releasing, feeling my feelings, talking to family & friends, sleeping, resting, spiritual baths, going out, praying, citing affirmations, listening to affirmations while falling asleep, manifesting, burning letters,I mean I was doing everything I could to heal….
…and yet I felt I had made no progress.
I was so unbelievably, terribly, magnificently, fucking frustrated and felt like my suffering was in vain. I felt I had done enough and suffered enough and was ready to live life again. I was desperate to receive the fruits of my labor. But in the time of my supposed harvest, I could bring back back no fruit.
My field was still bare.
The same field that was neglected for 12+ years, I expected to reap from after just a few months of care.
That same field that spent 12 years being shown how unworthy it was. How undeserving it was. How ugly it was. The things it would never be. The things it would never have. Being ignored. Looked over. Yearning. Wanting. Begging. Performing. Shrinking. Hurting.
That same field, I gave only a few moments of care.
“Your spiritual body is your physical body. The two cannot be separated.”
Unknown
As I got off on the phone, I realized I was the stubborn old lady who refused to give her body the time, grace, care, and intention it needed to heal.
I refused to acknowledge my spiritual body as separate and deserving of its own care.
At every moment of small relief I expected myself to jump back up and be okay and was impractically disappointed when I found out I wasn’t okay.
I was impatient.
I was temperance reverse.
I made the decision that day to fall into my healing. To recognize the autonomy of my inner body and handle it accordingly: With care.
In closing, I leave with my final affirmation:
That we who are burdened with the responsibility to heal our inner struggles, consciously supply ourselves with infinite grace, patience, and intentional space.
And when our wounds are healed, which one day they will, we memorialize the self that endured in those healing moments, for the sake of our present triumph.
Asé.
Note From Author: The Temperance card is a card traditionally used in tarot that represents patience, balance, harmony, healing, moderation, understanding, & gentleness. When reversed, the card often represents imbalance, excess, impatience, recklessness, and a need for inner alignment or healing.
