The muscles sored, her breath became labored as she fought against its tide. She choked, cried out in terror, her head desparatly trying to stay above water, failing for seconds at a time. And as she looked around, still fighting the violent waves she swore would write her ending, Hopelessness poured into her soul. She could no longer fight.
And so she stopped.
In a Moment’s grace, she accepted her fate. She closed her eyes and took one last deep breath, forming a small ‘O’ to funnel the air out slowly as a signal to her body to calm. Then she rested, expecting the tides of Change to blanket her weakened body and guide her to her end.
Only, the waters of Change began to cradle her acceptance. She began to float.
What rough waters frightened her before, began to rock her like a child needing comfort (She was). She allowed her body to be tossed, back and forth until the rocking stopped. And she found herself back on shore.
She became grateful for the stormy seas that pulled her back to shore.
There are two things certain in life: Death & Change.
Isn’t it strange that the two inevitables are the most difficult to accept? But in their acceptance we find inner peace?
“And sometimes it hurts as we grow or shed the layers but it only hurts because we’re resisting it. It only hurts when we’re resisting the change.”
Laurie Rivers, Founder of wokeastrology.com
I used to pride myself on being adaptable and never backing down from change because I’d be able to assimilate and continue forward with ease. I foolishly would tell people: “I love change”. But these past 6 months have taught me that I had no idea the level of uncomfortableness change could bring.
Six months ago, the very inner foundation of who I thought myself to be was ravaged. The same way concrete looks after being upheaved by a jackhammer is how I envision my inner self to look.
Where do I even begin to describe my internal cataclysm?
Childhood wounds erupted and I found myself, once again, battling against the inner, harmful belief systems and thought patterns that shaped how I viewed my worthiness in all aspects of my life. For the first time ever, I began to experience heavy emotions that are often villainized, and in return began to villianze myself. And it all came to a peak when I lost a connection with a friend of 5+ years.
My darkness now had a spotlight and I had no choice but to recognize the illusions that gave me false comfort for so many years.
My perception, behaviors, mindset, attachments, beliefs were being transformed. I no longer had a sense of self. The self I knew was being broken down.
Author’s Note: Although I write in the past tense, please don’t think this journey to self-reinvention is over. I write this as I sit in my parent’s home after having yet another dream where I felt low and lost. I still have moments of feeling low and lost.
My transformation was one…is one that required me to be broken down, stripped at the roots, exposed to the core, deconstructed at the base and then some.
And I fought against it.
I didn’t know a life without my harmful thought patterns. I didn’t know a life where I had to experience these less than favorable emotions. I didn’t know a life of feeling worthy in spite of. I didn’t know a life where I lived for myself. I didn’t remember a life without my best friend.
And although these changes did bring on a shit storm of sadness, anger, frustration, confusion, envy, jealously, and hopelessness my biggest adversary was my unwillingness to fully accept.
I spent too much time asking “Why me? Why now?”, being impatient and frustrated, and denying my emotional situation even though it was all working towards the healing I desperately needed.
“If it’s coming up, it’s coming up to go.”
I spent more time crying about why I was hurting more than I cried about being hurt. I spent more time trying to heal faster than trying to heal. I spent more time villianzing myself and holding myself in a mental prison rather than giving myself the grace I deserved . I spent more time trying to stay the old me even though she was no longer what I needed.
My stubbornness to the inevitable was an anchor as I tried to swim against the sea of change.
And it was only after I said “Okay” to the emotions, shifts in relationships, and opportunity to recreate who I actually wanted to be, I began to float.
Change is hard. Physically.
Like if I had to describe the physicality of Change, it’s hard. Weighted like a ton of bricks and solid in stature. Its exterior is impenetrable and unbreakable. Maybe even prickly like a cactus.
Now imagine trying to push against something like that in an attempt to stop it.
Many wouldn’t dare but that’s what we do almost each and every time we’re faced with its presence. Instead of stepping out of its way, and letting it be the destructive, relentless, unforgiving, transformative force it is, we fruitlessly focus our energy on trying to stop the inevitable.
And even more, we fight against this renewal that is most likely coming in to align us with our most optimal self.
Acceptance is difficult. Mostly due to fear of the unknown.
To accept shifts, we must also accept the uncharted. But there’s another piece we’re also accepting that we often forget.
To accept the shifts, is to accept the uncharted, is to accept that your Higher Power (whoever that may be to you) is working for your Good, is to accept we are capable of conquering whatever “scary” thing comes from this change.
I offer you this in closing: When the tides of change flow in, become weightless. Let go of control. Pour energy into how you can work with the currents, not against. And yes, sometimes, working with the currents means simply accepting, nothing more.
Give yourself grace. Give yourself room to feel however you feel. Have patience.
You’ll end up on shore, eventually.
